Grassroots Pepsi Sponsorship Proposal

Hi, I'm Jasper and I really love Pepsi Max (to the reasonable extent that one can love a beverage, anyway).

I am nearly twenty-seven years old. I am married. I am marginally over-weight, but people are still nice enough to pretend that I'm not, so it can't be that bad. By the end of the summer, I'm pretty much always the ideal weight for my height (I hate winter with all its rain and stuff).

I like to take photos, play video games, ride bicycles, watch movies, listen to music and eat pizza. I'm basically a typical sixteen-year-old.

I am the Technical Director for a web development agency in Brighton called Buffalo.

I would like to talk to someone in PR or sponsorship at Pepsi or its UK distributor (which I believe is Britvic) about sponsoring my consumption of Pepsi Max because at the moment, it's not really scalable (sometimes Sainsbury's do really good offers where it's like 16 cans for £4, but it's normally that much for 8 cans, which I can't feasibly sustain. Sometimes, LIDL will do 24 cans for like £6 or something, which is brilliant). I've outlined the terms of a deal below, which we can use as a basis for negotiation.

Here's what I'm asking:

  1. 70 cans (cans only, bottles are not acceptable except to be used as part of my distribution allowance. I will not condone drinking bottles. They go flat quickly and taste all bland) of Pepsi Max per week
  2. Reimbursement for any Pepsi product that I buy in a bar, pub or other public place ("Out")
  3. Vinyl stickers

Here's what I'm offering:

  1. I will get the Pepsi disc logo tattooed on my lower left leg, approximately three inches in diameter at my own expense
  2. I will never drink a non-Pepsi soft drink again. I will specifically and audibly request a Pepsi product (including mixers, excluding alcohol) when I am "Out". Coke will not be OK, and I will make a point of expressing my grave disappointment and act as if I don't even know what Coke is. I will substitute water or alcohol (probably the latter) in these instances.
  3. From my allowance, I will allocate an agreed percentage to distribute to the general public. This extends to every member of the general public. If I see someone who looks thirsty or something, I will offer them a Pepsi Max for free.
  4. I will only ever talk favourably of all Pepsi products (even Diet Pepsi) and I will encourage everyone to drink it when it's contextually appropriate.
  5. I will apply vinyl stickers to my laptop and bicycle (you should see my new bike - this is a really sweet part of the deal for you).
  6. When asking for a drink, I will use the phrase "Pepsi Max" instead of "drink".

Here's what I won't do:

  1. Take any kind of payment in the form of currency. That's going to cause problems with tax and stuff and I just can't be bothered with that (even if I become really successful, which I'm bound to - this is a pretty radical deal)
  2. Act in a contrived manner (for example, Street Fighting). I will live my life pretty much as normal except for the tattoo which I think will start conversations that will lead into this, so I don't class that as contrived
  3. Use product placement in any photos (unless it's unintentional)
  4. Commit to not photographing other beverages or pixellate them
  5. Order Pepsi or mention this deal when I'm drunk. If I don't remember it, it didn't happen.
  6. Name any child or change my name to Pepsi (although Max is quite a cool name, so that might be a possibility - I'll commit to it as a deal breaker, but only for a boy. I'm not a monster).

I will reserve the right to terminate The Agreement in any of the following instances:

  1. If Pepsi or any brand affiliated with Pepsi world-wide is found to use animal testing in any part of their production or R&D processes (even when local laws require it)
  2. If the recipe of Pepsi Max is ever changed and I don't like it any more
  3. If Pepsi discontinues Pepsi Max
  4. If I decide I don't really like Pepsi Max any more (however, this will never be publicly announced)
  5. If Aspartame starts to kill me

I'm sure you're going to want to talk to lawyers or get an agreement drawn up or whatever, or maybe you want to talk more about Pepsi's terms. Or maybe you have nothing to do with Pepsi and you just want to tell me how funny you find this (or maybe you don't find it funny and feel compelled to tell me that instead). You can do that by emailing [email protected].

And now here's the bit where I ask for non-Pepsi people's help. I've never asked anyone to tweet or Facebook (nouns and verbs are basically the same thing at this point, right?) anything I've posted on this site, but I am now. Tweet the hell out of this please. Post it on your Facebook as well. I figure if tonnes of people see this, one of them is bound to be able to make it happen. I tried asking Pepsi on twitter one time and they were unresponsive, so we need to throw numbers at this thing.

Update: Pepsi Responds.