Utter failure

Today reminded me of when I first started writing web applications. When I first started glancing through PHP, and I didn't have a clue what was going wrong, why things weren't working, or how I was going to fix it. Until, right at the last minute, I took a step back and actually read the thing I thought was right, only to discover that it was totally wrong. I then wander to the lounge, dejected and beaten and look at my family, asleep and waiting for me.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have this obsessive need to solve everything right now. I keep missing out on the important things in my life because I'm so paranoid that a fresh pair of eyes won't fix the problem I'm having. Tonight, I was so frustrated that I actually cried and shouted and drank and wished for cigarettes. I'm so pathetic. I worked through deliveries of photos of my babies being cute, and my wife being sleepy and adorable, just to reach the realisation that I need to really look at a problem and stop wasting my time thinking that working harder, or swearing more will solve my problem. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I need to sleep more, not just go to bed and stare at the ceiling.