I deleted all my tweets. These are my greatest hits.


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@AsGashgari @markiplier this one’s the winner
about 2 months old
2 123

@typhlsn why is it that people who are tired of experts are the ones in such dire need of some experts? On any subject. Please.
about 2 months old
1 14

@langho @typhlsn how are they remembering to exhale. Honestly.
about 2 months old
2 25

@PhilipNByrne @AmyBeckwith I came here for the fetish but I stuck around for the defensive tweets about flies.
about 2 months old
53

Sometimes you just feel so
about 2 months old
3 9

I just wish a white, late-30s male would make a podcast.
about 2 months old
4 21

My stupid Twitter twin, scourge of customer service Twitter
2 months old
2 12

“Why did daddy eat all of it if he didn’t like it?!” Why, indeed, kid. Why, indeed.
2 months old
14

I bet Jony I've disables auto-correct.
2 months old
3 14

If I had to describe my morning aesthetic
3 months old
11

Rejected Call of Duty game ideas:
3 months old
2 8

@thetomzone you mean the files are IN the computer?!
3 months old
33

@BobbyNuisance @scott_riley one of those real helicopters about to be en route to treat some severe burns.
3 months old
19 1047

I’m not trying to say that a guy in H&M just now was high, but he did call my four-year-old daughter “bro” 🤔
3 months old
14

God damn it, social networks. Just give me a chronological timeline setting. I’m tired of this Memento bullshit.
3 months old
1 18

3 months old
12

Pepsi Max in China tastes different to Pepsi Max in England but Snickers tastes the same. Stay tuned for more thrilling updates.
5 months old
2 17

Just reading some lies to Tabitha before bed
5 months old
1 9

@JonMBrenner @charlubby oh my god a Google Image search for Hannibal Buress yields as the first result:
5 months old
9 191

If Coalition of Chaos were a hardcore festival I’d go.
6 months old
4 8