I deleted all my tweets. These are my greatest hits.


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I'm not normally one to bite the hand that feeds, but these muffins I found in the kitchen are disgusting
2 days old
13

Sorry I can't do that drawing we need, I've got to charge my fuckin pencil 🙄 Great world we've made ourselves here.
9 days old
10

Roses are red, shut the fuck up
10 days old
2 12

Everyone's a feminist until their wife stops shaving her legs.
13 days old
4 8

I am determined to make Slack an unproductive mess.
22 days old
11

There's no way this one hasn't been done already but always nice to see these idiots getting knocked loose

about 1 month old
2 9

Got my new nickname sorted
about 1 month old
22

Today marks the first time I've ever been excited about new bedding. I don't think Charlotte is happy about our new duvet cover
about 2 months old
12

A list of things that are weird - injections in your eye - eye anaesthetic - eyelid clamps - eyelid inversion - eyelid reversion
about 2 months old
10

Those of you just now discovering that Richard Hammond is a cunt have an awful lot of catching up to do. We've been here a while.
about 2 months old
4 23

Did you know Madonna has never used a rangefinder? Leica Virgin
2 months old
2 14

Hi, how are you? Fine thanks, how are you? Fine thanks, you? I am fine, are you? Yeah I’m fine, how are you? Not bad thanks, how are you?
2 months old
2 9

I put it to you that Holy Roar bands are comprised of the best people in music.
2 months old
3 12

Shampoo for my real friends. Real poo for my sham friends.
3 months old
3 11

Vertical central alignment is the Half Life 3 of CSS.
4 months old
437 679

Why send an email when an all-day meeting will do?
4 months old
2 8

@chrstnerode @Pinboard don't worry, I've got just the dongles you need 😢
4 months old
12 32

I am so bored of parody websites. Satired, if you will.
4 months old
3 11

@ryan_marsh @Pinboard how sarcastic is Safari? I bet it’s not sarcastic at all.
4 months old
14

“Why aren’t nanny and grampy married?” Because they didn’t really get on. “Why?” Don’t ask complex questions, I only have 140 characters.
4 months old
2 8