I deleted all my tweets. These are my greatest hits.


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Pepsi Max in China tastes different to Pepsi Max in England but Snickers tastes the same. Stay tuned for more thrilling updates.
17 days old
2 17

Just reading some lies to Tabitha before bed
23 days old
1 9

@JonMBrenner @charlubby oh my god a Google Image search for Hannibal Buress yields as the first result:
23 days old
10 193

If Coalition of Chaos were a hardcore festival I’d go.
about 1 month old
4 8

Democracy Dog says “Go and vote”. Actually he says “Why are we going this way? We don’t normally go this way”
about 2 months old
2 12

@emmaggarland @getbentsaggy is it Jimmy the Reach from The Mighty Boosh?
about 2 months old
11

I am getting sick of playing Internet whack-a-mole with Subscribe to Our Shitty Newsletter popups just stop it.
2 months old
2 8

Hate people? Wish they were all dead? Is everything somehow an inconvenience to you? Have you considered a job as a GP surgery receptionist?
2 months old
9 35

@charlubby
2 months old
6 17

“Dad, you’re going to have a baby!” Am I? “Yeah, your tummy’s all puffy” Oh. Good morning to you, too I guess.
3 months old
11

When you’re into metal and have kids Tabitha: there’s a bear in my chair Charlotte: what else rhymes with bear and chair? Tabitha: …despair
3 months old
21

For the last two weeks I’ve had £50 in my wallet to get my bike fixed. I have twice (two times) spent that money on Indian food.
3 months old
1 11

Hanging out with new people is fucking stressful I am a normal person I like normal person things I have no strong feelings about anything.
3 months old
1 12

Emailing the emergency services feels very weird

4 months old
3 10

Thank you for purchasing your first vinyl record. The plural of vinyl is vinyl. If you say “vinyls”, your collection may be repossessed.
4 months old
3 9

Hi Everybody! Hi
4 months old
3 11

Happy Non-Tech-People-Discovering-What-AWS-Is Day
5 months old
4 11

I'd love to learn German, but it turns out that sitting round eating crisps and talking about learning German isn't going to get it done.
5 months old
1 9

Once got so drunk I woke up in Germany. Terrible Hannover.
5 months old
6 19

The effort-to-reward ratio for pistachios is fucking bullshit.
5 months old
2 10