I deleted all my tweets. These are my greatest hits.

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Hate people? Wish they were all dead? Is everything somehow an inconvenience to you? Have you considered a job as a GP surgery receptionist?
7 days old
8 35

16 days old
6 17

“Dad, you’re going to have a baby!” Am I? “Yeah, your tummy’s all puffy” Oh. Good morning to you, too I guess.
25 days old

When you’re into metal and have kids Tabitha: there’s a bear in my chair Charlotte: what else rhymes with bear and chair? Tabitha: …despair
about 1 month old

For the last two weeks I’ve had £50 in my wallet to get my bike fixed. I have twice (two times) spent that money on Indian food.
about 1 month old
1 11

Hanging out with new people is fucking stressful I am a normal person I like normal person things I have no strong feelings about anything.
about 1 month old
1 12

Emailing the emergency services feels very weird

about 2 months old
3 10

Thank you for purchasing your first vinyl record. The plural of vinyl is vinyl. If you say “vinyls”, your collection may be repossessed.
about 2 months old
3 9

Hi Everybody! Hi
2 months old
3 11

Happy Non-Tech-People-Discovering-What-AWS-Is Day
3 months old
4 11

I'd love to learn German, but it turns out that sitting round eating crisps and talking about learning German isn't going to get it done.
3 months old
1 9

Once got so drunk I woke up in Germany. Terrible Hannover.
3 months old
6 19

The effort-to-reward ratio for pistachios is fucking bullshit.
3 months old
2 10

I'm not normally one to bite the hand that feeds, but these muffins I found in the kitchen are disgusting
3 months old

Sorry I can't do that drawing we need, I've got to charge my fuckin pencil 🙄 Great world we've made ourselves here.
3 months old

Roses are red, shut the fuck up
3 months old
2 12

Everyone's a feminist until their wife stops shaving her legs.
3 months old
4 8

I am determined to make Slack an unproductive mess.
4 months old

There's no way this one hasn't been done already but always nice to see these idiots getting knocked loose

4 months old
2 9

I'm super proud of everyone for not saying that Richard Spencer did Nazi that punch coming. You did good.
4 months old
3 8