I deleted all my tweets. These are my greatest hits.


Sort by:


I bet Jony I've disables auto-correct.
4 days old
3 14

If I had to describe my morning aesthetic
13 days old
11

Rejected Call of Duty game ideas:
14 days old
2 9

@thetomzone you mean the files are IN the computer?!
15 days old
33

@BobbyNuisance @scott_riley one of those real helicopters about to be en route to treat some severe burns.
24 days old
19 1062

I’m not trying to say that a guy in H&M just now was high, but he did call my four-year-old daughter “bro” 🤔
24 days old
14

God damn it, social networks. Just give me a chronological timeline setting. I’m tired of this Memento bullshit.
about 1 month old
1 18

about 1 month old
12

Pepsi Max in China tastes different to Pepsi Max in England but Snickers tastes the same. Stay tuned for more thrilling updates.
3 months old
2 17

Just reading some lies to Tabitha before bed
3 months old
1 9

@JonMBrenner @charlubby oh my god a Google Image search for Hannibal Buress yields as the first result:
3 months old
9 191

If Coalition of Chaos were a hardcore festival I’d go.
3 months old
4 8

Democracy Dog says “Go and vote”. Actually he says “Why are we going this way? We don’t normally go this way”
3 months old
2 12

@emmaggarland @getbentsaggy is it Jimmy the Reach from The Mighty Boosh?
4 months old
11

I am getting sick of playing Internet whack-a-mole with Subscribe to Our Shitty Newsletter popups just stop it.
4 months old
2 8

Hate people? Wish they were all dead? Is everything somehow an inconvenience to you? Have you considered a job as a GP surgery receptionist?
4 months old
9 35

@charlubby
4 months old
6 17

“Dad, you’re going to have a baby!” Am I? “Yeah, your tummy’s all puffy” Oh. Good morning to you, too I guess.
5 months old
11

When you’re into metal and have kids Tabitha: there’s a bear in my chair Charlotte: what else rhymes with bear and chair? Tabitha: …despair
5 months old
21

For the last two weeks I’ve had £50 in my wallet to get my bike fixed. I have twice (two times) spent that money on Indian food.
5 months old
1 11