I deleted all my tweets. These are my greatest hits.


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Thank you for purchasing your first vinyl record. The plural of vinyl is vinyl. If you say “vinyls”, your collection may be repossessed.
2 days old
3 9

Hi Everybody! Hi
11 days old
3 11

Happy Non-Tech-People-Discovering-What-AWS-Is Day
28 days old
4 11

I'd love to learn German, but it turns out that sitting round eating crisps and talking about learning German isn't going to get it done.
about 1 month old
1 9

Once got so drunk I woke up in Germany. Terrible Hannover.
about 1 month old
6 19

The effort-to-reward ratio for pistachios is fucking bullshit.
about 1 month old
2 10

I'm not normally one to bite the hand that feeds, but these muffins I found in the kitchen are disgusting
about 1 month old
13

Sorry I can't do that drawing we need, I've got to charge my fuckin pencil 🙄 Great world we've made ourselves here.
about 1 month old
10

Roses are red, shut the fuck up
about 1 month old
2 12

Everyone's a feminist until their wife stops shaving her legs.
about 2 months old
4 8

I am determined to make Slack an unproductive mess.
about 2 months old
10

There's no way this one hasn't been done already but always nice to see these idiots getting knocked loose

2 months old
2 9

I'm super proud of everyone for not saying that Richard Spencer did Nazi that punch coming. You did good.
2 months old
3 8

Got my new nickname sorted
2 months old
22

Today marks the first time I've ever been excited about new bedding. I don't think Charlotte is happy about our new duvet cover
3 months old
12

A list of things that are weird - injections in your eye - eye anaesthetic - eyelid clamps - eyelid inversion - eyelid reversion
3 months old
10

Those of you just now discovering that Richard Hammond is a cunt have an awful lot of catching up to do. We've been here a while.
3 months old
4 23

Did you know Madonna has never used a rangefinder? Leica Virgin
3 months old
2 14

Hi, how are you? Fine thanks, how are you? Fine thanks, you? I am fine, are you? Yeah I’m fine, how are you? Not bad thanks, how are you?
3 months old
2 9

I put it to you that Holy Roar bands are comprised of the best people in music.
3 months old
3 12