I deleted all my tweets. These are my greatest hits.


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The irritation of someone sitting next to you on public transport, and the heartbreak of them moving when another seat becomes available.
3 days old
3 10

Shame it’s taken, but Instagram would be a great name for Deliveroo for drugs.
13 days old
11

The most difficult and rewarding lesson I have ever learned is that it’s OK to feel good about myself. People can tell you that shit all you want, but believing it is a fucking hard time.
about 2 months old
3 13

Life can be very satisfyingly strange. Ages ago, I made a Twitter bot and every now and again one of my favourite bands has little conversations with it.
3 months old
1 12

Sometimes I feel like my life is quite repetitve, then I sit near four people on a train who talk about Rubik’s cubes for a fucking hour and actually maybe I’m OK.
3 months old
1 9

For fuck’s sake I scroll Twitter for 30 seconds in three weeks and I’m already reading a Nazi sympathising New York Times article. I came here to make a joke about music fuck this platform fuck it all fuck you fuck everything fuck off.
3 months old
16

On paper, Franz Ferdinand are great. Because paper doesn’t really make any sound.
3 months old
1 10

Black Friday is a great opportunity to unsubscribe from all the mailing lists you were added to with implicit permission in the last year.
3 months old
3 15

@AsGashgari @markiplier this one’s the winner
5 months old
2 122

@typhlsn why is it that people who are tired of experts are the ones in such dire need of some experts? On any subject. Please.
5 months old
1 14

@langho @typhlsn how are they remembering to exhale. Honestly.
5 months old
2 25

@PhilipNByrne @AmyBeckwith I came here for the fetish but I stuck around for the defensive tweets about flies.
5 months old
53

Sometimes you just feel so
5 months old
3 9

I just wish a white, late-30s male would make a podcast.
5 months old
4 21

My stupid Twitter twin, scourge of customer service Twitter
5 months old
2 12

“Why did daddy eat all of it if he didn’t like it?!” Why, indeed, kid. Why, indeed.
5 months old
14

I bet Jony I've disables auto-correct.
5 months old
3 14

If I had to describe my morning aesthetic
6 months old
11

Rejected Call of Duty game ideas:
6 months old
2 8

@thetomzone you mean the files are IN the computer?!
6 months old
33